She had a one-night stand with Randall Whatshisname
It's been a while since I've blogged. But I just came across this story about a politician that I found a little... well I'll let you be the judge. Just to give you a little background though: this dude is like 40 or something, ostensibly a religious conservative. He's made some pretty outrageously stupid remarks in the past and during this campaign. But I was reading this tell-all written by a chick who apparently had a... shall we say close encounter with him a couple of years ago.
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_______I barely knew Randall when he turned up at my door at around eight o'clock on the night of Halloween. We'd met for the first and only time three months earlier when my two roommates and I signed the lease on our apartment: Randall's aunt owned the place we were moving into, and he happened to be up from Delaware visiting at the time. But we'd only spent about five minutes together that day and we hadn't spoken much, and I hadn't thought of him since.
_______Yet here he was standing outside my door with a friend. And both of them were pretty tipsy.
_______He asked if he and his friend could come inside our apartment to change into their costumes. He couldn't change at his aunt's place, he said, because she was sleeping and he didn't want to wake her up. Would we mind if he used our bathroom instead?
_______It was a pretty strange request. Sure, weird stuff happens on Halloween, but I barely knew him, and it isn't every day that someone shows up at your front door and asks to change into their astronaut costume. But I told him it was fine and he was welcome to use our place to get ready.
_______It didn't take long before the two guys—who'd clearly been drinking—were sitting on my couch, beers in hand, trying to convince my roommate and me to join them for a night on the town. Randall was in the holiday spirit dressed in his astronaut outfit. His friend, who had a pirate costume on, was much more quiet and reserved. He barely spoke all night.
_______It was a Wednesday evening, and my roommate and I hadn't been planning to go out. We both had to get up pretty early the next morning for work. But Randall was insistent that we join them, and he wasn't taking no for an answer. "Come on, girls! Let's go! Just throw something on!" he said.
_______The costume that I wore for the Halloween a year before—a girl scout’s uniform that belonged to a friend—was still sitting in my closet. So that made it easy. But my roommate had no idea what to put on.
_______Randall immediately came up with an idea. He pointed to a cardboard box in the kitchen—the kind that 12-packs of Coca-Cola come in—and told him to cut a hole in the middle and put it on top of his head. We weren't sure what he was suggesting.
_______"You can go as a cokehead!" he said, bursting into laughter.
_______With our costume situation sorted out, we headed to South Street, where lots of bars are located. Half an hour later, the four of us were seated at a table and knocking back beers.
_______It really didn't take very long for Randall to make his move. He'd grabbed my hand on the way from the apartment to South Street, so I can't say I was totally surprised when he leaned in to kiss me soon after we arrived at the bar.
_______I could tell when we first met that Randall was older than me. I was 25, and although I never asked his age, I'd have guessed he was in his early 30s. It was only recently that I found out his real age and learned he was in his late 30s when we hooked up. There's a 14-year gap between us, but he looks good for his age. I don't think I'd heard the word "manther" yet at that point, but that's probably what I'd call him.
_______Aggressive is another word I'd use to describe him. At the bar, he confessed to me that his aunt really hadn't been sleeping. He hadn't even gone to her apartment to check, he said. He had remembered me from our five-minute meeting the previous summer, and used the story about his aunt as an excuse to knock on my door. He'd set his sights on me from the beginning.
_______Randall was pretty intense, and he was pretty outspoken that night, but we didn't talk politics much. His aunt had told me that Randall ran for Senate a year earlier and had lost, so I knew a bit about his background. But the most political he got that night was when he said he attended lots of events in Washington that attracted congressmen and senators. "It would be nice to have a good-looking young lady to attend those with me," he added.
_______We'd probably knocked back five Heinekens when Randall leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wanted to go back to my place. Before we could go, though, he told me to ask his friend if he'd mind if I drove Randall home later that evening. That was odd. I guess Randall didn't want to come across as a manwhore in his friend's eyes for going home with me, so he wanted me to bring it up with his friend first.
_______I did what I was told and asked his friend if he had any objection to me hanging out with Randall a little longer provided I took him home later on in the evening. He didn't, and a few minutes after that, we were all headed back to my apartment. Randall's friend got in his car and went home. My roommate went to her bedroom and went to sleep. And Randall and I got cozy on the couch and popped open another beer.
_______Things got physical on the couch pretty quickly. It wasn't long before we'd moved from the living room to my bed.
_______I won't get into the nitty gritty details of what happened between the sheets that evening. But I will say that it wasn't half as exciting as I'd been hoping it would be. Randall was a decent kisser, but as soon as soon as his clothes came off and he was naked in my bed, Randall informed me that he was a virgin.
_______"You've got to be kidding," I said. He made it seem like he'd never had sex in his life, which seemed pretty improbable for a man his age. And he made it clear that he was planning on staying a virgin that night. But there were signs that he wasn't very experienced sexually. When his underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed him by.
_______Obviously, that was a big turnoff, and I quickly lost interest. I said goodnight, rolled over, and went to sleep. It was almost four o'clock in the morning. I had to get up at 6:30 to go to work.
_______Randall wasn't in the best of shape when my alarm clock went off three hours later. I was hung-over and exhausted and we'd both had about the same amount to drink, so I'm guessing he was feeling even worse. I got up and started to get dressed and told Randall he'd need to get up, too. But he clearly didn't want to budge, and even after I'd reminded him a few times, he was still under the covers. Did he think I was going to leave for work and let him sleep in my bed?
_______When he finally did get up and dressed and we got in the car, Randall couldn't remember exactly where his friend lived. We circled around for about 20 minutes before we found it, and I dropped him off in the parking lot next to his car, as he asked me to. We said goodbye and exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. But there wasn't a whole lot of back and forth. I didn't even try to give him a kiss goodbye.
_______I wasn't planning on contacting Randall after our night together. Things hadn't gone so great—especially the part that took place in my bedroom—and I didn't see any reason to try and see him again. But two or three days later, he emailed me to ask me if I wanted to hang out again. I made an excuse. But he didn't take a hint and emailed or called a few more times over the next couple of weeks before I was forced to make it clear to him that I wasn't interested.
_______Things worked out for the best, though. A few weeks later, Randall started dating my roommate. They went out for over a year, and it was a little awkward the first few times Randall came over to visit her at our apartment and we all had to make conversation in the living room. But that passed pretty quickly. And in case you're wondering, he never had sex with her either, as far as I know.
_______When I heard several months ago that Randall had decided to run again, I didn't take it very seriously. And I never expected in a million years that he'd end up winning the primary. But he did, and the morning after the election, I sat in disbelief as I watched the news on TV. For a second, I thought I might be hearing things and I went over to my computer and pulled up CNN.com to check if it was true. It was.
_______God, I hope the same thing doesn't happen next week.
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Okay, so I'm not a huge fan of Randall Whatshisface. He sounds like a douche, but that's not news exactly. However, some things struck me as rather curious. Never mind that a drunk dude she barely knows shows up with a friend at her apartment on a weeknight, to change into his Halloween costume - and she lets them both in, and ends up going out clubbing, even though she has to be up for work the next day at 6.30 am. People do silly things, usually to get drunk, high, or laid. BUT:
- Lady has a girl scout's uniform in her closet? A friend's uniform? That she borrowed and never returned?
- Lady is 25. Dude is in his thirties. Hardly enough of an age gap to get all "ooh you dirty old perv" don't you think? Oh WAIT SHE HAS A GIRL SCOUT'S UNIFORM SITTING AROUND IN HER CLOSET - now it all makes sense.
- And she's all "ooh he's so aggressive" and "ooh he's preying on poor innocent me" (look up 'manther' y'all). Did he stick his hand up her skirt? No. Grab her tits in public? No. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. Sounds more to me like an overgrown frat boy making drunken bootycall (booty visit?) to that fugly chick that he thinks won't say no. (Sorry if that sounds harsh - but someone has to say it.)
- She's got issues with pubic hair? And she wants us to believe HE'S the virgin? Which brings me to my final point:
- A nearly 40-year-old dude who hit on you and came home with you is suddenly telling you he can't have sex with you because he's (insert guffaw) "planning on staying a virgin"? Please. Maybe it's YOUR pubic hair. Or something else he saw down there that made him change his mind very quickly about getting in your pants.
- Your roommate dated this dude for a year. Did she know you'd almost but not quite hooked up with him that night? Either she knew, and still wanted to date him, i.e. you're not SUCH good friends. Or you never told her, i.e. you're not SUCH good friends. Either way, she's not gonna be sharing details of her sex life with her roommate that her boyfriend kinda jilted a year ago. Maybe she wants to spare your feelings. Maybe she thinks you're incapable of keeping your piehole shut.
So really, what we have here is a salacious OMG like totally tell-all non-story by some ditzy chick who got blown off this one time by a dickhead fourteen years older than her and then found out he was semi-famous. Whatevs.
I just can't believe Gawker would think this newsworthy.
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_______I barely knew Randall when he turned up at my door at around eight o'clock on the night of Halloween. We'd met for the first and only time three months earlier when my two roommates and I signed the lease on our apartment: Randall's aunt owned the place we were moving into, and he happened to be up from Delaware visiting at the time. But we'd only spent about five minutes together that day and we hadn't spoken much, and I hadn't thought of him since.
_______Yet here he was standing outside my door with a friend. And both of them were pretty tipsy.
_______He asked if he and his friend could come inside our apartment to change into their costumes. He couldn't change at his aunt's place, he said, because she was sleeping and he didn't want to wake her up. Would we mind if he used our bathroom instead?
_______It was a pretty strange request. Sure, weird stuff happens on Halloween, but I barely knew him, and it isn't every day that someone shows up at your front door and asks to change into their astronaut costume. But I told him it was fine and he was welcome to use our place to get ready.
_______It didn't take long before the two guys—who'd clearly been drinking—were sitting on my couch, beers in hand, trying to convince my roommate and me to join them for a night on the town. Randall was in the holiday spirit dressed in his astronaut outfit. His friend, who had a pirate costume on, was much more quiet and reserved. He barely spoke all night.
_______It was a Wednesday evening, and my roommate and I hadn't been planning to go out. We both had to get up pretty early the next morning for work. But Randall was insistent that we join them, and he wasn't taking no for an answer. "Come on, girls! Let's go! Just throw something on!" he said.
_______The costume that I wore for the Halloween a year before—a girl scout’s uniform that belonged to a friend—was still sitting in my closet. So that made it easy. But my roommate had no idea what to put on.
_______Randall immediately came up with an idea. He pointed to a cardboard box in the kitchen—the kind that 12-packs of Coca-Cola come in—and told him to cut a hole in the middle and put it on top of his head. We weren't sure what he was suggesting.
_______"You can go as a cokehead!" he said, bursting into laughter.
_______With our costume situation sorted out, we headed to South Street, where lots of bars are located. Half an hour later, the four of us were seated at a table and knocking back beers.
_______It really didn't take very long for Randall to make his move. He'd grabbed my hand on the way from the apartment to South Street, so I can't say I was totally surprised when he leaned in to kiss me soon after we arrived at the bar.
_______I could tell when we first met that Randall was older than me. I was 25, and although I never asked his age, I'd have guessed he was in his early 30s. It was only recently that I found out his real age and learned he was in his late 30s when we hooked up. There's a 14-year gap between us, but he looks good for his age. I don't think I'd heard the word "manther" yet at that point, but that's probably what I'd call him.
_______Aggressive is another word I'd use to describe him. At the bar, he confessed to me that his aunt really hadn't been sleeping. He hadn't even gone to her apartment to check, he said. He had remembered me from our five-minute meeting the previous summer, and used the story about his aunt as an excuse to knock on my door. He'd set his sights on me from the beginning.
_______Randall was pretty intense, and he was pretty outspoken that night, but we didn't talk politics much. His aunt had told me that Randall ran for Senate a year earlier and had lost, so I knew a bit about his background. But the most political he got that night was when he said he attended lots of events in Washington that attracted congressmen and senators. "It would be nice to have a good-looking young lady to attend those with me," he added.
_______We'd probably knocked back five Heinekens when Randall leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wanted to go back to my place. Before we could go, though, he told me to ask his friend if he'd mind if I drove Randall home later that evening. That was odd. I guess Randall didn't want to come across as a manwhore in his friend's eyes for going home with me, so he wanted me to bring it up with his friend first.
_______I did what I was told and asked his friend if he had any objection to me hanging out with Randall a little longer provided I took him home later on in the evening. He didn't, and a few minutes after that, we were all headed back to my apartment. Randall's friend got in his car and went home. My roommate went to her bedroom and went to sleep. And Randall and I got cozy on the couch and popped open another beer.
_______Things got physical on the couch pretty quickly. It wasn't long before we'd moved from the living room to my bed.
_______I won't get into the nitty gritty details of what happened between the sheets that evening. But I will say that it wasn't half as exciting as I'd been hoping it would be. Randall was a decent kisser, but as soon as soon as his clothes came off and he was naked in my bed, Randall informed me that he was a virgin.
_______"You've got to be kidding," I said. He made it seem like he'd never had sex in his life, which seemed pretty improbable for a man his age. And he made it clear that he was planning on staying a virgin that night. But there were signs that he wasn't very experienced sexually. When his underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed him by.
_______Obviously, that was a big turnoff, and I quickly lost interest. I said goodnight, rolled over, and went to sleep. It was almost four o'clock in the morning. I had to get up at 6:30 to go to work.
_______Randall wasn't in the best of shape when my alarm clock went off three hours later. I was hung-over and exhausted and we'd both had about the same amount to drink, so I'm guessing he was feeling even worse. I got up and started to get dressed and told Randall he'd need to get up, too. But he clearly didn't want to budge, and even after I'd reminded him a few times, he was still under the covers. Did he think I was going to leave for work and let him sleep in my bed?
_______When he finally did get up and dressed and we got in the car, Randall couldn't remember exactly where his friend lived. We circled around for about 20 minutes before we found it, and I dropped him off in the parking lot next to his car, as he asked me to. We said goodbye and exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. But there wasn't a whole lot of back and forth. I didn't even try to give him a kiss goodbye.
_______I wasn't planning on contacting Randall after our night together. Things hadn't gone so great—especially the part that took place in my bedroom—and I didn't see any reason to try and see him again. But two or three days later, he emailed me to ask me if I wanted to hang out again. I made an excuse. But he didn't take a hint and emailed or called a few more times over the next couple of weeks before I was forced to make it clear to him that I wasn't interested.
_______Things worked out for the best, though. A few weeks later, Randall started dating my roommate. They went out for over a year, and it was a little awkward the first few times Randall came over to visit her at our apartment and we all had to make conversation in the living room. But that passed pretty quickly. And in case you're wondering, he never had sex with her either, as far as I know.
_______When I heard several months ago that Randall had decided to run again, I didn't take it very seriously. And I never expected in a million years that he'd end up winning the primary. But he did, and the morning after the election, I sat in disbelief as I watched the news on TV. For a second, I thought I might be hearing things and I went over to my computer and pulled up CNN.com to check if it was true. It was.
_______God, I hope the same thing doesn't happen next week.
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Okay, so I'm not a huge fan of Randall Whatshisface. He sounds like a douche, but that's not news exactly. However, some things struck me as rather curious. Never mind that a drunk dude she barely knows shows up with a friend at her apartment on a weeknight, to change into his Halloween costume - and she lets them both in, and ends up going out clubbing, even though she has to be up for work the next day at 6.30 am. People do silly things, usually to get drunk, high, or laid. BUT:
- Lady has a girl scout's uniform in her closet? A friend's uniform? That she borrowed and never returned?
- Lady is 25. Dude is in his thirties. Hardly enough of an age gap to get all "ooh you dirty old perv" don't you think? Oh WAIT SHE HAS A GIRL SCOUT'S UNIFORM SITTING AROUND IN HER CLOSET - now it all makes sense.
- And she's all "ooh he's so aggressive" and "ooh he's preying on poor innocent me" (look up 'manther' y'all). Did he stick his hand up her skirt? No. Grab her tits in public? No. HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. Sounds more to me like an overgrown frat boy making drunken bootycall (booty visit?) to that fugly chick that he thinks won't say no. (Sorry if that sounds harsh - but someone has to say it.)
- She's got issues with pubic hair? And she wants us to believe HE'S the virgin? Which brings me to my final point:
- A nearly 40-year-old dude who hit on you and came home with you is suddenly telling you he can't have sex with you because he's (insert guffaw) "planning on staying a virgin"? Please. Maybe it's YOUR pubic hair. Or something else he saw down there that made him change his mind very quickly about getting in your pants.
- Your roommate dated this dude for a year. Did she know you'd almost but not quite hooked up with him that night? Either she knew, and still wanted to date him, i.e. you're not SUCH good friends. Or you never told her, i.e. you're not SUCH good friends. Either way, she's not gonna be sharing details of her sex life with her roommate that her boyfriend kinda jilted a year ago. Maybe she wants to spare your feelings. Maybe she thinks you're incapable of keeping your piehole shut.
So really, what we have here is a salacious OMG like totally tell-all non-story by some ditzy chick who got blown off this one time by a dickhead fourteen years older than her and then found out he was semi-famous. Whatevs.
I just can't believe Gawker would think this newsworthy.
